When The Game Becomes Hard To Play (May 5, 2017)

It's not easy desiring you. Especially since I currently cannot be your number one. I wrestle constantly with jealousy that rises out of nowhere and the urge to reclaim territory or repossess what belongs to me.

Except, the provocation bears no threat worthy of attention.

Left alone, anxiety and insecurity beats down like a tsunami, wave after destructive wave.

It's not easy, especially when all I have are words, the illusion of promises, coy flirtation, and objectified affection. I'm grasping at the wind.

You're too far away, my hands cannot reach, my eyes cannot see.

Arguing with you, screaming and throwing things, dramatic tantrums and promises of no more, threats of withholding and fending for myself because no one is trustworthy, all of this stays behind locked and barricaded steel walls. I never want to burden you. I punish myself. Silently crying while staring at the lit screen of text. Unmoving. Unread for hours. Vulnerable and neglected.

Unimportant.

Unwanted.

I know this is all false and a lie, but when the game becomes hard, they become my truths until you break the silence.

Yes, this too shall pass..

but, Mister, pet really needs you right now, even for a few moments.