Hiding in a Linen Cabinet.

Do you ever feel like maybe you want to hide? Like crawl under a table and cower for a little. Just hide until someone finds you? Maybe shed a few tears in secrecy?

Well... What if nobody looks for you? What if you had some secret hope that you were important, maybe just a little important to someone, that they would search for you?

I want to hide. And I want to be found. But I'm so afraid that nobody will try to find me. I'm so afraid that my fears would be confirmed. That I'm not important to someone. Then I just want to hide all over again.

I just want to love someone and feel loved. I've been so empty for so long. I even tried to kill myself once, because I didn't want to feel this empty anymore. When will I feel love? When will I know what it is? To know what it means to be loved? To be cared? To be precious? To be wanted... or even desired.

What point is there in life? Why am I even here?! How many times have I asked this? And yet, I still don't know the answer, or even how to figure it out. Screw you, I don't care if I'm being "emo-ish", I'm being honest. I'm serious.

I'm broken. And I'm tired of being broken. As cliche as it might be, its true, I'm like a little girl dreaming that I'm a princess waiting for my prince charming to come and rescue me. My greatest fear is that he doesn't exist. And that I'll be hiding for a long time, never to be found.

Life is meaningless. Pointless. We all die, and we can't take anything with us when we die. We come from dirt, and we rot when we die. What's the point of living when you have absolutely nothing?

Nothing to live for? I thought I had a dream, it motivated me for a while. Until I found out I was deceiving myself. It wasn't really the dream I was living for, I was chasing someone. Then the focus of my chasing shifted onto another person. Then my heart was broken again. It was my own fault. I don't want to chase anyone anymore. I just want to be loved. Is it okay to be just a little selfish? Is it okay to want to be loved? To feel unashamed? To feel free? To be able to take a deep breath and not clutch at my sides from the pain? To feel whole, like I've never been broken, like there was never any healing needed, that's what I dream of.

I can't even cry properly. It's pointless to cry. Nobody cares if I cry, so... yeah, like I said, pointless. Cutting myself is pointless too. Suicide's a burden on others, so that's a waste of time, I don't want to burden someone else, I just want to be loved. To know that someone cares about me. I want to feel important. And cherished.

I'm tired of feeling so empty... And so broken. I'm tired of being afraid. I said this to myself before... I'm not afraid of being lonely, I'm actually used to it. Loneliness is something I grew up with. Just how much longer must I be alone? How much longer must I wait? How much longer before someone calls my name, looking for me? How much longer before someone finds me hiding in a linen cabinet?

I don't know.

I want to make another blog, but I don't know why. So, here, put up with some more random, worthless, useless crap. Or... You know, you can always ignore me and leave... Jus' sayin!

In this day and age, lots of us "anti-social" teenager/adolescents have retreated into the intrawebs. Sadly... I am, er... was? No, I still am but I'm not a teenager, I'm 20 years old, one of them. (Oh my gosh! insert quarter-life crisis drama here)

ANYWAY, my point.

Its sad to think, sometimes, that the likes of us can find such a good anonymous friend online. We develop a sort of "online" friendship-relationship, usually with people we have never met, heard of, or even plan on meeting someday. THEN comes the obsessions. Some people take it so far that they have a "romantic online relationship" with someone they only know by pictures, what they type, and the occasional "cam-session". Seriously?....

I mean, SERIOUSLY?!! Well, to be honest, I don't know how to meet people in real life that would lead to a romantic relationship, because, quite frankly, I've never been in that situation. (I know, I'm 20 and never had a boyfriend, sad, right??) But I'm not that desperate to get involved in a superficial online romantic relationship with a stranger, who quite possibly lives on the other side of the world. Okay, now that I got my bitch-fest out of the way.

.... I guess that's all.

First Impressions, huh... that's kind of a strange thought.

Hello blogging world. This will be a place where I spew honesty. Right now, I have to go pee. I know, pretty bad first impression for some people, but... Oh well, too bad. I don't care. I got a twitter yesterday and already have three followers. I thought that was kind of odd, especially since I have no idea who the followers are, or why they decided to follow me. Anyway.... moving on to introductions.

The topics I write about will seem quite inconsistent sometimes. Mostly it will be because I want to write out what's going on inside this crazy, erratic, and... well, inconsistent mind of mine. If you decide to start following, you'll find out pretty soon, that I'll be morbid sometimes, maybe religious, and deeply thoughtful a lot of the time. I ask questions, too. If you feel compelled to answer, be my guest.

Rule number one, is mostly for myself and any stranger that answers, I don't want to hear some "easy" answers. Usually when I ask why towards a specific topic, I want more than just an educated guess or an opinion. I like to learn, but I don't care much for simple facts and truths, its the workings behind the simplicity that I'm more interested in.

As for rules, that's all I have for now. Maybe as I continue, I'll add more... Who knows, we'll see.

So... I guess that this one's a caution for the future.

Nice to meet you, whoever you are. You may call me Kizzy Bandit.

--Until next time.