Do you ever feel like maybe you want to hide? Like crawl under a table and cower for a little. Just hide until someone finds you? Maybe shed a few tears in secrecy?
Well... What if nobody looks for you? What if you had some secret hope that you were important, maybe just a little important to someone, that they would search for you?
I want to hide. And I want to be found. But I'm so afraid that nobody will try to find me. I'm so afraid that my fears would be confirmed. That I'm not important to someone. Then I just want to hide all over again.
I just want to love someone and feel loved. I've been so empty for so long. I even tried to kill myself once, because I didn't want to feel this empty anymore. When will I feel love? When will I know what it is? To know what it means to be loved? To be cared? To be precious? To be wanted... or even desired.
What point is there in life? Why am I even here?! How many times have I asked this? And yet, I still don't know the answer, or even how to figure it out. Screw you, I don't care if I'm being "emo-ish", I'm being honest. I'm serious.
I'm broken. And I'm tired of being broken. As cliche as it might be, its true, I'm like a little girl dreaming that I'm a princess waiting for my prince charming to come and rescue me. My greatest fear is that he doesn't exist. And that I'll be hiding for a long time, never to be found.
Life is meaningless. Pointless. We all die, and we can't take anything with us when we die. We come from dirt, and we rot when we die. What's the point of living when you have absolutely nothing?
Nothing to live for? I thought I had a dream, it motivated me for a while. Until I found out I was deceiving myself. It wasn't really the dream I was living for, I was chasing someone. Then the focus of my chasing shifted onto another person. Then my heart was broken again. It was my own fault. I don't want to chase anyone anymore. I just want to be loved. Is it okay to be just a little selfish? Is it okay to want to be loved? To feel unashamed? To feel free? To be able to take a deep breath and not clutch at my sides from the pain? To feel whole, like I've never been broken, like there was never any healing needed, that's what I dream of.
I can't even cry properly. It's pointless to cry. Nobody cares if I cry, so... yeah, like I said, pointless. Cutting myself is pointless too. Suicide's a burden on others, so that's a waste of time, I don't want to burden someone else, I just want to be loved. To know that someone cares about me. I want to feel important. And cherished.
I'm tired of feeling so empty... And so broken. I'm tired of being afraid. I said this to myself before... I'm not afraid of being lonely, I'm actually used to it. Loneliness is something I grew up with. Just how much longer must I be alone? How much longer must I wait? How much longer before someone calls my name, looking for me? How much longer before someone finds me hiding in a linen cabinet?
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