Trust, vulnerability, and reception. (Fears.) (Feb.2 2015)

In my thoughts, I romanticize EVERYTHING, (well, almost everything) but when reality hits... I am paralyzed by fear.

I become paralyzed. My entire being stutters to a standstill and I am at a loss, I do not know what to do. I have never truly given my heart away, much less have someone present their's to me. Lacking the social skills and relationship "know-how's", my fear keeps me from stepping forward and taking your hand into mine. I am on a journey I deliberately started on my own. Mainly for selfish reasons, but also because of my learned beliefs. I refuse to become responsible for another person. Already I know I screwed up a few things and will have to take account for, and this is what scares me. The implications and affects of my action and words has much power in the lives of those around me, friends, acquaintances, or strangers, very much the butterfly effect. I fear so much being held accountable for future damage of another person.

Now, I might seem self-contradictory, but believe me, much of my action and words wavered on the precipice of connection, drowned in trepidation and finally tipped over one side or the other by a mere breath of desire or... Fear. I might pass off much of my hesitation as being shy, and while at times, it is very much true, the majority of the time it is my fear that holds me back.

I feel I fucked up. Majorly.

In my immaturity and newness, I took actions that I thought were appropriate. In my excitement, I opened up and relished in a very brief moment of openeness of giving and receiving. And it is with a VERY heavy heart that I truly apologize to you for doing so extremely prematurely. I had not even the faintest thought of thoroughly communicating beforehand of expectations (especially regarding aftercare) that should have been clarified and only took advantage of you. Even continual communication afterwards was confusing because the expectations were unclear in the misty fog of "a damn good night."

And now all these thoughts of "maybe I should/shouldn't have's" and "what if's" come as a flood. I won't cheapen the moment by regretting what had happened, becuse that moment... That evening was sweet and special.

But I am sorry.

I am sorry that in my moment of immaturity and excitability, I failed to pause and reflect a single second on what an immense butterfly effect I instigated. I can't be your person. I can't hold your hand.

I honestly don't know how my letter of introspection became a letter of apology, but maybe following my intuition is the correct thing to do here. At this point, much of the worst thoughts and fears hit me as a colony of blind bats attacking the point of offense. So, instead of succumbing to them in a fit of panic and anxiety, I choose to wish you well.

I wish you peace.
I wish you happiness.
I wish you healing.
I wish we could be friends.
I wish we could start again.

I'm sorry.