I never believed I was desirable. I'm just in the way. Tolerated. Pushed aside. Existing is a struggle. Having desires, no matter how small, only showed I was a burden to another. Being in the way is frowned upon. Selfishness is disgusting. A rancid, festering boil filled with pus. I'm an unwanted infection.
Abused and neglected, pushed out and exposed to the elements. So long have I been alone, forgotten, abandoned. My being despised and rotting. I am only an odious nuisance, depreciated and disdained, then evaded.
Every sense of humanity stripped bare and shredded to pieces. No evidence of human emotion left to trace. Anger became futile. Crying became pointless. Joy became a fleeting mist of vapor. No sustenance was found in feeling. Meandering through life's rotting sewage day after day, my spirit began to will itself into nothingness. Night after night, I wished to be met with the kiss of death. I simply desired to cease being. Life was fruitless and boring.
Apathy. I relished in it. Oh, glorious apathy.
Very casually, just like a bird flying across the sky. Nothing unusual or dramatic, I was propositioned. The question intended to provoke, filled with derisive judgement and disgusted contempt.
Instead of feeling insulted, my curiosity was piqued. Something deep within, long-forgotten and denied was being called upon. It wasn't a dramatic awakening of Frankenstein's creation. It was subtle. Unnoticeable, faint, and hidden.
Demanding.
I became intrigued. A taste given and a hunger awakened. Obsessively prodding a mysterious bruise and musing its origin. I began hunting the rabbit hole. There were no trails to follow nor any hand to guide me. Upon discovery, every denied desires were enticed; being culled, a sense of kinship budded. I stumbled around deeper and deeper into the darkness, struggling to find stable footing in new and unfamiliar terrain.
Suddenly startled by an ominous presence, everything within me froze. I happened upon an old friend. With putrid and fetid flesh oozing all twisted and snaggled. This shrewd looking beast was nestled in a desolate den of hopelessness. His eyes, bleak and piercing, met mine. A shock shook my heart as the cold glare sized me up and down. And within, I became unhinged, toppling the foundation of everything superficial and plastic I had worked so hard to build. I watched as they all crumbled from the sudden jarring. My meaningless existence is no longer.
He purred menacingly as I giggled with glee. Nothing would ever be the same again. Breathing in the heady and noxious fumes, a spark ignited and a catharsis began. I had found myself. This monstrous Jabberwock was me. Greedy and starving, not yet awakened, not yet reborn.
... But the primal within is stirring.
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