Well.... Yeah.

I had a marvelous dream last week. It was very special to me. I know it was only a dream, but it was very real too. In the dream, I felt every part of me was complete. I was loved, I was protected, I was beautiful, I was special, I was needed, and I was the only one. I was free to love too. And showed my love in this dream. It was so special. I don't want to share it with someone else because I know in my heart it was meant for me and me alone. It wasn't one of those sex dreams if that's what you're thinking. It was a dream of intimacy and vulnerability. I believe the man in my dream was my husband. As weird as it may sound, but that's what I strongly feel. (I know, it may not be true, I don't care much about that right now, it was special and it was for me and me alone.) But in the dream, his face wasn't clear. I wonder if this means I haven't met him? Or if I'm not supposed to become aware of who he is yet. If that's the case, then I'm fine with that. I know I'm not exactly ready for marriage right now, but I would like to believe that I'm heading down that path soon enough. It was very special and it gave me peace. Since then, I've been doing a little better. I notice I'm not as depressed, or apathetic as I was in certain areas. I don't care if it was just a dream, it was real. I wouldn't be able to dream something like that on my own, so I know it wasn't just me who dreamed a dream. I know that God had every part of it, and Jesus was so apparent. There is no peace we can experience in this world that would ever amount to the peace Jesus gives. The same goes for His love and grace. I believe I saw Jesus in my dream, although, in my dream, He didn't look like the Jesus we all see in pictures and on posters and such, but I'm sure it was Him. Maybe I couldn't see His face because I'm in a place in my life where if I see His face, I would perish instantly. My unholiness would destroy me if I were to see His face, since He is the epitome of all things holy and pure. God is extremely graceful, and I know that He loves me. No matter how much I may hate myself, His love beats my hatred. I laugh at this thought. It seems funny to me that I would hate myself, when it doesn't even matter. I mean, nothing on this world really has a point. All that really matters is that each one of us have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Love God, then love others. In order to love God, we must know Him and follow His commands. But before we can truly follow His commands, we must get to know who He is. Our God is a God of love relationships. Once we start to get to know Him, we can't help but fall in love. But when you get to the point of where you have fallen in love with God, it's very hard to get rid of Him in your life. Well, in my case anyways. No matter what I say, think, do, God is always there. I find myself constantly talking to Him in one way or another. It's very much a one-sided conversation at the moment, since I haven't been in the word as much as I should. Actually, I haven't been reading the bible at all, other than at church to find the scripture my pastor might be speaking about. It's not really sitting there collecting dust, it's more like, hiding in my bag and goes with me where ever I may take my bag. I know there's power in the word, and I carry it with me, but I know that the power is much more effective if I were to read it, digest, and apply it. It's like I have my sword, but I'm not training myself for battle. My sword's just hanging around my waist on my belt along for the ride. It may seem like just for looks, but it's not like I whip out my bible and tell people I'm a christian. To be honest, I wouldn't call myself a christian, I'm doing a lousy job of representing Christ, so, to avoid slandering His image further, I'll be honest, I'm a lousy christian if one at all. I don't exactly know how to describe my situation. I talk to God, constantly, all through the day, I might send a little prayer to Him if I happen across a certain issue, situation, or concern, but I'm not really ministering to anybody. I'm not preaching the Gospel. I'm not telling anybody about Jesus and His works. But it's not like I'm telling God I want this and that, negotiating with Him, I know He doesn't negotiate with us. Instead, He teaches us, whether we learn the lesson the first time or go through the difficulties again and again until we do. My own mind is confusing me. I guess I could say, that I'm partially selfish? I mean, I talk to God (not with, since it's a one-sided conversation), and He listens, I know that. Every now and then, since I've been stubborn about reading His word, He'll send me a wink, a sign, or like last week, a dream. Other than keeping myself vulnerable, open and bare, towards God, I haven't been doing much. Is it okay to be a little selfish when I'm going through some much needed healing? One thing for certain in this world, love is not guaranteed when it comes to us people. The only guaranteed love we have is from Jesus Christ, our God. I guess you could say that I'm getting a little tired of only love from God. But it's a little more complicated than that. God's love is more than enough, but then maybe I want to experience love through a deep discussion, or a simple pat on the back. Love communicated through quality time or touch. I mean, I feel like I'm half a person. And at the same time, I feel like I'm two completely different people. Oh my gosh, I'm starting to feel dizzy. I'm told multiple times in various ways that thinking about myself is a bad thing. Thinking about my life, future, desires, or even being a little bit selfish, is bad. It's a capital BAD thing, and doing so makes me a horrible person. But other than God, I'm the one who knows my needs the most. And there are many needs in my life that are empty. These needs have been empty for a long time. I've coped with the emptiness in many ways, including self-harm and attempting suicide at one point. I'm not looking for pity or anything. This is my outlet. I have to put down my thoughts. If I don't, they ferment and cause me harm later, in one way or another. So, yeah, if I seem a little bit selfish, then that's probably because I am being a little selfish. It's human nature to look out for number one, also known as your own selves. It's the only way I know how to deal with the constant emptiness that's inside of me. The emptiness is like acid burning its way out. Like swallowing shards of glass and they get etched inside your esophagus, cutting the inside. So yeah, you can probably imagine my pain over the emptiness and unsatisfied basic human needs that I have. I'm tired of it. When will it stop? I don't know. There's only One who knows the answer to that. And I'm too mad at myself to allow myself to hear Him freely. Stupidly sabotaging myself over some stupid things I'll probably never understand.

Wow, I am really judgmental towards myself.