Tremors of Cruelty.

I feel weird.

I'm a little cold. I'm a little tired. And I'm shivering. I hope my tremors don't start again.

My tremors are starting again. My hands smell different. My body is tensing up. I feel confused. Maybe a little.... Scared? What am I scared of? No, it's not scared...

I feel like.. There's two separate entities.

Like, right now, there's two of me. One looking in, the other looking out. As if I'm reading a book about myself. Like all the quirks I've picked up in my entire lifetime is colliding inside of my body and I can't contain it. An explosion inside of my body, the constant rumbling, betrayed by tics. Tics that don't belong to me.

My hands are cold. My body is rocking back and forth. The steady rhythm slowly increasing in tempo, broken here and there by a thunderous quake. I clench my hands into tight fists trying to keep calm. Taking deep breaths doesn't help either. My right arm shakes, my left hand's fingers constantly moving. The acid burns inside of me. Crawling upwards, eating away at the brokenness of my existence. Desperately trying to make sense of it all, my brows furrow and my eyes squint.

A shaky intake of breath and my head pounds with the pain of confusion. The one outside watches helpless, the one inside struggles to scream.

I want to pull out my hair and bleed and scream and cry and run and spin and vomit and....

I want to breathe.

I want to breathe in deeply.

To breathe in deeply.

And feel no pain.

No, that's a lie.

I want to feel the pain. I can't stand this numbness. I can't stand this feeling. Succumbing slowly to the emptiness. The absence of all there is.

Now that's a cold place.

I want to feel the sharp, hot, burning, stinging of pain. To know that I'm alive.

No... I need to feel pain.

But I can't.

I can't.

I can't feel pain.

I can't, and it's so cruel.

And unfair, that I can't feel pain.

It's so cruel that I can't cry.

I can't. I'm constantly on the verge. Yet my tears will not spill. They cannot spill. No matter how much I want them to. They won't.

This constant sabotage, this war within my own heart, oh, how cruel I am! To myself and none other! To look down upon myself, to hate who I am! To laugh and jeer at my own weakness! How cruel!

The one outside and the one inside. The hatred ripping me apart. The constant clash tremors through my entire body. To never be able to fully breathe, to never be able to let go, to never be truly free.

How cruel to bind myself. To disallow mistakes. To break my own feet.

Oh, how much I hate who I am. The one inside yearns and the one outside fears. How can I ever come to peace? How can I ever become one again? Clawing at the inside of my own stony flesh, oh, how I yearn to break free! Free of my own fears! Free of my own shame! Free of all my stupid rules. Stupid rules. To not give a shit anymore. To be who I want to be. To be me.

Yet this constant struggle.

Fuck it. I don't care anymore.

I'm going to lose myself.

That's the only way I'll be found again.