I think my life is just about to start. Last night, while taking a nice soak in the tub, I started thinking. I do a lot of thinking in the bathtub, apparently. My mom says it’s not a good thing to think so much sometime, haha. But it was a much needed time to process some thoughts I have. I’ve come to several conclusions.
One: I’m ready to grow up.
I know that while living at my parent’s house, a lot of things are available to my advantage. Use of car, free food, a nice and warm bed, bills are not something I have to worry about, etc. But honestly, I want to have bills to take care of, haha, very odd, I know. I guess that having bills to take care of seem like a very “grown-up” thing to me. I want to become independent, an adult. I want to have my own job, have my own car for which I pay insurance on, have my own place I can decorate to my liking, have a grown up relationship, and pay bills.
Two: Life isn’t as short as we always think it is.
True, life is short in retrospect, but in actuality (at least for me), I’ve got a while ahead of me. I don’t have to accomplish everything I want to accomplish in life right now, at this moment, before I turn 22, as if there’s no tomorrow. My dad’s 50, I’m starting to realize that there’s a whole lifetime ahead of me to make a lot of mistakes, learn new things, experience things I’ve never dared to, and a whole life time to explore and adventure through. Yeah, I have a lot of things I wish to succeed in, and no, I’m not using “there’s always time for that” as an excuse to put off any dreams and goals in my life. As of right now, I have a job that I’m starting in January and I’m planning on going back to school in the fall, and I am SO looking forward to both!
Three: Who I am right now is not who I want to be.
Some people might consider me “religious” because of the fact that I choose to identify myself as a Christian and that I go to church and believe in Jesus. I don’t like the term “religious” because I don’t agree that it defines the relationship that I have with Christ. I believe that being religious means that I am following a set of rules and laws that says I can and cannot do certain things. And that’s not what Christ is about, Jesus is about having a relationship that is based on His forgiveness and His never-ending love. If anybody has any more questions, email me, message me, whatever.
Now, back to the point. Lately I’ve noticed that I have been having double-minded thoughts. Now, what do I mean by double-minded thoughts? I believe and profess one thing, and then I end up eating my words. Basically a hypocrite. I want to live a life that glorifies the God I believe in, and yet I’m not. I teach and show other people how to live such a life. And while I’m doing that, in my heart, I’ve been hiding many things. I don’t know if I’m intentionally hiding them or not. While I want to believe that I’m not, I fear that I am. Like the Apostle Paul says,
“I do what I do not want to do, and do not do what I want to.” (paraphrasing Romans 7:15)
While I realize that I’ve been a hypocrite, I am thankful that God has forgiven me through His grace.
Honestly, my life would have no meaning if it wasn’t for His love. Then I end up falling into this vicious cycle of hating myself for what I’m doing and sabotaging any chance of bettering my relationship with myself. I don’t know how to get out of this hole of a mindset I’m stuck on.
In Other News:
I have a new job I’m starting in January as I mentioned earlier. I’ll be working at a center that serves an identified group of “disabled” for lack of better words, people: Deaf and Hard of Hearing people that serves the greater area of Eastern Washington. I’ve always called it the “deaf service center”, but technically it’s known as “Eastern Washington Center for the Deaf and Hard of Hearing.” But I’m not much for technicalities. So anyway, I’m sort of doing this whole thing backwards, haha. I’ll be interning for six months as a case manager helping various clients with whatever challenges and or issues they are faced with. I like solving problems, so this’ll be interesting! And the goal is to go to school in the fall at Gallaudet University to become a Social Worker for Deaf/Hard of Hearing people. I have no idea how this is going to be, but I’m at least thankful and very happy to have a job after not having one for 2 years. FINALLY! Thank You Jesus! :D
Now that that’s out of the way, I’ve been bored lately. I remember feeling this way many times before while waiting for the next big thing in my life. I don’t like these periods of being “waiting roomed.”
You know how you’re at a doctor’s office, you come in, check with the nurses at the desk and sign in. Then there’s the big wait. Sometimes you fill out some paperwork that might need to be updated, sometimes you just sit and wait. There might be some annoying kid running around or sitting there staring at you. There might be that suspiciously-smelly man that smells of something quite suspiciously smelly who chooses to sit right next to you, even though there’s obviously more than enough empty seats in a room full of empty and inviting chairs, (out of all these, did you have to choose the one right next to me?)
Then there’s the awkward conversations you have in the waiting rooms. While you might not want to share why you’re visiting the doctor in the first place, you also don’t really want to hear why someone else is visiting the doctor.
Finally, the clock that never moves. Every eternity or so, you check the clock and it’s STILL in the same place it was last time you checked. Is that clock even working? When was the last time they changed the batteries?
After what seems like infinity and a half, you are finally called up by a nurse who weighs you in and checks some boring vitals such as blood pressure and temperature. After she leaves, you wait for another lifetime to pass before you finally meet with the doctor.
As you probably notice, I hate waiting. I am an impatient person when it comes to myself and my future. I want things to happen now. NOW. Not next month, not in a week, not even tomorrow, NOW. I like to be kept busy, I like to keep moving. But I’ve been deadlocked. This past year has been my waiting room. Since I dropped out of college and moved back home, I’ve been in the waiting room. Metaphorically, last Friday, the nurse finally called me, and now I’m waiting in the other room before I meet with the doctor. Since I know my timeline now, I know what I’m looking for, so it’s not as bad.
I don’t like being in the waiting rooms in my life so much, but I know that it’s in those times of wait that I have the chance to evaluate my character and go through a mental check-list. Because I know I can’t have a thorough inspection when I’m on the go, and I know I accumulate a lot of flack in life that weighs me down.
Take advantage of the times in your life when you have to wait to have a true face to face conversation with yourself. Ask yourself some questions you might have been avoiding. Be honest with yourself about some doubts, fears, and insecurities you might be dealing with. Check and see if who you are right now would gear you towards who you want to be in the future. Look into your heart and sort through some skeletons you might have been hiding in the closet and deal with them. There’s no good that comes out of festering secrets that hide there.
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