Why?

I feel so numb.
It’s like there’s this huge, heavy, hot, and wet wool blanket that’s draping over everything.
All my thoughts, my feelings, actions, and words are either warped into slow-motion, or muffled, as if I was hearing through ear-plugs.

What I want to feel is pain.
Why?
Because I feel so numb.
Why?
Because I can’t stop this dull, monotonous, never-ending cycle of vicious and starving addiction that sucks away at every inch of my being.
It’s like an annoying buzz, the tinnitus damage with no cure to be found.
A constant heartburn that eats away my insides, it’s no wonder I fume of rotting flesh, I’m dying inside.

This pain glazed over with soothing words of lies and false hope of deliverance and freedom.
Oh how I long a single drop for taste!
Just a tiny crumb of weightlessness.

Yet I cry out in agony.
Contemplating self-punishment and various coping mechanisms.
Yet I cry out in agony.
Nobody knows, nobody can see.
Why?
I’m a liar and I hide my flaws.
Why?
I’m scared, so scared.

My heart turned cold at the harsh brush against many disappointments and cruel hurts.
My own shrewd standards too high.
I don’t think I even deserve to be alive.
Why?
Because I hate myself.
Why?
Because I don’t know how to forgive myself.

A judge with a solemn look and a fearsome javelin.
Thunders crashing with every wandering thought and tiny misstep.
I scream, scream in agony at the face of this war inside me.
I’m torn apart, confused by desires.
I don’t know what I want anymore.

I’m still the war-ravaged raped bride in the middle of this bloody battlefield of my journey in life and self discovery.
I’m still waiting for my Rescuer, my Mighty Warrior.
The One who will come and cry tears over me.
The One who will hold and cherish me.
The One who brings light and goodness, who will execute justice.

And tell me that He loves me.
Why?
I still haven’t figured that one out yet.